Somedays I just don't want to wake up. Stay in bed for as long as I can and then when I finally decide to wake up, the whole day has just passed me by. That is when I regret not waking up earlier. It's funny isn't it? How one minute you want something and the next you live to regret it.

Amongst everything else, regret had taken over most of my thoughts. It had clouded my judgment for most things and yet in some bizarre way it brought about clarity in various spheres. But are we really qualified to make the distinction between what we deserve and what we get? In some parallel world where everything is happy and mellow, is it conceivable to have everything that one deserves. Life would be a little monotonous won't it, if we received all that we want everyday of our lives? It would be like Christmas the year around. And yet, none of us would dare wish for things to turn around, because, [un]fortunately it would happen. It's quite scary even to imagine it.

I feel like I'm sitting for an interview most days. Wherein every twitch of a muscle, every batted eyelash reflects something about me. And those days that are good, I feel like a untamed animal, free to do whatever, say whatever, be whatever. But do I wish for everyday to be like that? No. I like the binding. It is in many ways disciplinary. It has taught me so much. Respect, responsibility, faith, justice, all of that. It's not military school, it's just what I had written for myself. And I have learned also to enjoy it. I love my safety net. It is something I like to call Home. I could go hide in it and even then I would be just the right amount expose, just the right concoction of vulnerability and nakedness. Just the perfect mix of fear, anger, security and relief. Where does one find so many things?

Sometimes, when I feel like the safety net is about to break because, let's face it there is only so much safety that it can provide, I take a sedative so that when I do fall, I fall in my sleep without having to wait for the cold hard ground to strike my face. The blood and the hurt can all wait till I wake up. It an enchanting feeling, like a jolt that goes through your body without you even realizing that it had happened. Like when you have get a paper cut, you can feel the sting without being able to see where the blood is oozing out off. Quite an experience.
But you know, I don't worry about all the trillion things that can go wrong. It doesn't make me feel good. As it turns out, no one likes anyone who cannot take care of themselves. Everyone has their share of baggage, and no one want excess baggage.
It's a hard learned lesson, indeed.

But I did learn it. Maybe not sooner but later.