Beside me.

Right beside me, when I need you. When I cry, your shoulder's the first to catch my tears. When I smile, your eyes are the first to glitter. When I feel lonely you're hand is the first to touch. When I sleep, your voice is the lullaby I hear.

And then I wake up, from the most fulfilling dream in a very long time. I look around and I'm lost because all of that is lost. In the blink of an eye, everything that I touched turned to dust. All that remained are archaic remains of the memories we built with so much love and so much hope.

Beside me lies the corpse of Us. Beside it, is the grave I sleep in.

But the crack in the coffin is reason enough for me to rise and haunt. Lingering in the heart of his resentment and losing blood and breath every second.

Beside me, is the sun, the warmth of which I shall walk away from and embrace the reality that is beyond the bright light. Squinting and then finally donning the rose colored glasses and looking through the mirror- to the other side.

Beside me, is you. Forever and always.

Eat me alive.

Pick me up, throw me down, hold me tight, let me fall. Watch me cry, lick my tears, kiss my face, bite my soul.

Why don't you just eat me alive. t would hurt much less.

Why don't you just throw me away, I would fall far off.

Why don't you just tell me what you want, I wouldn't cry anymore.

Just eat me alive, it will ease the pain.

Insecure. Passionate. Dubious. Incognizant.

Why am I no longer allowed to be Insecure?

Why am I battered for feeling the love?

Why am I being kicked around for how I want to hold your hand?

Why am I gazing into your eyes even though I know you'd never say 'I Love You'.

Why do I jump at the sight of your text message?

Why does a smile spread across my face when you call?

Why do I feel proud of walking right next to you?

Why do I love to show you off?

All of this, just so that I can see those feelings being reborn in your eyes, the affection in your voice, the love in your touch and the belonging in your arms.

When I don't see any of that, I fall into the deep lair of delusion. I fall so fast, at such speed that I lose consciousness. I lose my mind, my soul, my control and I turn savage. Savage to want what I want, to get what I want, to get to you. The desperation lingers in my eyes and I lurch around the corner, waiting for the right moment to jump and cease it.

This is heaven to me, and I protect it with all I have till I breathe,

This is my love. This is my life.

Running in circles.

That's all I seem to be doing. Running around, hoping to catch your eye, hoping for you to catch mine and see all the love and remorse I hold in them. Just look into them once and you'd know. But you never do. And that just puts me down. Way down under for cognizance or existence. The harder I try, the faster we crash. Where is the love? Where is your heart? I don't think I can feel you anymore... What do I need to become to have you back in my life again? Name it.

Where do I run to, to escape this pain? It hurts more than a dagger through my heart. This pain is so deep, embedded into my being and stings every second that I live. i seem to repel you. Every word that I say angers you. Every breath that I take infuriates you. It's like I'm a closed chapter in your life already... I want to rewrite the chapter... Give it a happy ending. See your shining eyes light up everytime you see me walk up. It's only a dream now, and even the dream barely ever shows up when I close my eyes.

I'm such a crying shame. But just look into my eyes once... and things might just change.

Far away.

In those eyes that reflected love once upon a time, I look so deeply and yet a confusion takes over me. There is something that stands in the way, I see so in the half smiles and the empty gazes....those lonely moments of eerie silence, the gasps of air in between making love. The stony stares which I look away from and the unkempt promises that you choose to overlook. I walk beside and you seem to walk alone, I gaze at you dreamily and you seem to dream another dream, I laugh with you and you stop suddenly.... I can feel the love, in parts even so but there is the void, a listless nimbus that hovers over us... cursing...
I look up, praying every night of every day, praying for the wicked witch of the west of let us be... but she consumes me more and more everyday, pushing me onto the path of skeptism and non-belief... but then I see you, trying... putting aside your pride, your hurt, your anger and trying... hoping and along th way sprinkling those snow flakes of love upon me... and I realize that all my prayers are answered. It will be better, it will rain, it will shine, yet another day...and you and I both see, the day isn't so far away.

Hanging on for hope- A true story.